Trauma Filters

What are trauma filters, why do we have them, and how can we prevent them negatively impacting our behaviours? Trauma filters are filters (or screens or glasses) with which we look at the world when we are in an emotional flashback. Filters change the way we see people or things. We have them because ourContinue reading “Trauma Filters”

Being Curious Over Furious

A shouldaholic can go from peaceful to raging anger in mere nanoseconds. This is not only a frightening experience for the shouldaholic themselves, but also for the trigger, the person who inadvertently set off an emotional flashback and had no intention of hurting the shouldaholic. From the trigger’s perspective, the shouldaholic’s reaction may feel likeContinue reading “Being Curious Over Furious”

The Hope Paradox

This may seem like a negative thing to say about hope, but I’m going to say it anyway. Hope is good. We are wired for hope. Hope provides motivation. But as shouldaholics, we have to be super careful about what we then do to hope with our hypervigilance and perfectionist tendencies. Hope is designed toContinue reading “The Hope Paradox”

Conflicting Priorities

One of the hardest things for a shouldaholic to deal with is conflicting priorities.  For example, I want my child to eat dinner, but I want them to eat healthy food, and I want us to have a peaceful dinner time. Anyone who has kids knows that they aren’t always going to be hungry atContinue reading “Conflicting Priorities”

The Shouldaholic’s 5-Step Approach to Dealing with a Trigger (AGAIN)

Part of being a RECOVERING Shouldaholic is understanding our triggers. That means Awareness, Grounding, Analysis, Identifying Needs, and Navigating the next time (or AGAIN). I don’t think that we will be able to get to a point where we will not longer have triggers. I mean, maybe that could be a goal, like enlightenment orContinue reading “The Shouldaholic’s 5-Step Approach to Dealing with a Trigger (AGAIN)”

Boundaries Vs. Window of Tolerance

A lot of people talk about having healthy boundaries. But what exactly are boundaries and why do we get them confused? Why are boundaries important? How does that relate to our Window of Tolerance? This is a huge topic, so I’m just trying to give you a taste so that you can decide if thisContinue reading “Boundaries Vs. Window of Tolerance”

Start Here

One of the most intimidating things about starting any journey or learning a brand new skill is that feeling of not knowing what you don’t know. It’s especially difficult for Shouldaholics because we are wired to feel a lot of shame for not knowing what we think we should know. The bigger problem is thatContinue reading “Start Here”


I’ve struggled with shouldaholicism my whole life. Most of my decisions were filtered through a lens of “should/should not’ based on some standard that was inherited from past generations, my culture, our society, and my friends. Most of the time, this was quite unconscious and for the most part, it kept me on the straightContinue reading “Introduction”